Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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