I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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