yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
