you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
