why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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