Just fell off a train. Bad.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
