there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
