If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
