dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
