I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
