The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
