Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
