life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize