my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
