Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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