i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
