apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
