i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
