If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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