I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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