apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
