My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
