my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
