between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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