Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize