Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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