Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
