I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I need a burrito and a hug.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I have feelings that need drinking.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
