took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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