this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
