Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
