her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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