y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
