brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
