UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
