Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
