don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
