I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
