Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
