I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
