I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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