Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
