im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
