Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
