Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
