dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
