She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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