I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
