dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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