i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Found your dick twin last night
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
