Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
