Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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