I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
