He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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