Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
