The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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