After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
