I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
